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Posted by Susan in Wichita, Kansas

In Reply to: do i have a chance, should i file? posted by Tara, Texas

Tara,

I am responding to your question as a former child of a non-visiting father, as a mother, as a stepmother, and as someone who knows something about the marijuana issue in general.

Marijuana use is not a valid reason for denying a father his parental rights, although the courts might disagree. Marijuana has been shown to be one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man, by the DEAīs own Administrative Law judge. I would not be concerned that a marijuana user would cause harm to a child simply because they smoke marijuana. If this was your sole reason for denying visitation, I would say it was completely without merit.

A relationship that causes harm to the child - including sporadic exercise of visitation - IS a valid reason for denying rights, for the welfare of the child. That being said, may I say this:

As a child of divorced parents, my father did not exercise visitation at all. I felt unwanted by him, unloved by him - and it created a feeling of distrust in my early relationships with men. As an adult, I forgave my father when he later contacted me and apologized for being out of my life for so long. He blamed it on my mother, and said that she forced him to stay away. I knew that this wasnīt the case; my mother never said anything bad about my father to us children. If my father had exercised his visitation rights, my personal esteem would have been much greater as a girl growing up, I think.

As far as visitation is concerned, I have found that, at least in the case of my stepson - where my husband has exercised his visitation regularly the whole time - the importance of his relationship with his father couldnīt be more important. He has grown into a fine young nine year old, seeing his father every other weekend, as well as days out of school and holidays, summers and what-not. His mother and we get along reasonably well, with the occasional disagreement about expenses. We pay support and carry health insurance. This is something that my father never did, either.

However, MY own sonīs father, my first husband, did NOT exercise regular visitation with my son early on following our divorce when he was two. My son knew him, but did not have any sort of regular visitation with him at all. Later, when my son was older, he needed his father in his life - and his father was there for him. We now share custody completely - no one pays support at all - and we each exercise our love for our child by spending time with him.

Your situation is a touchy one. You have a daughter - perhaps my son needed his father because heīs a boy. But I donīt think so. If the father is willing to be a participant in your daughterīs life, I would encourage it under most circumstances. If there is any doubt in your mind about his love for your daughter, then let HIM prove that he doesnīt love her. Donīt let him ever be able to say that you wouldnīt let him be her father. Thatīs what my father did.

Always remember that ANY father can pay child support or not - either he has a job and the state makes him pay, or he doesnīt get a job, and doesnīt pay. But not every father will continue to exercise visitation with a child he doesnīt love. Most would rather go completely away, basically making it unnecessary for you to file for sole custody anyway.

I hope I havenīt offended you at all by my comment! Good luck in your decisions.

Susan

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